November 24, 2011

11.24.11

People, places, emotions, sensations
The tear and furies, smiles and elations
All contribute to the you you knew and the one you know
Ups and downs come and go like tides ebb and flow

Think back and look forward on moments yet to come
Times of rad outshine the bad, let me share with you some

Orange and black armor, take the field, search for glory
Blood, sweat, bruises, torn twine tell the story
Let the flags fly so bright and so yellow
Win or lose, we know not a battle called mellow

Shoes that dance conduct feet in hot pants
Her hips and her eyes induce involuntary trance
Lust only tonight, to love another day
Dancefloor kicks and hi-hat clicks, we can't stay away

Twin tips and kink rails, park booters and shooters
A blizzard, a flurry intice powder-stash-looters
Snowflakes, chairbakes, degrees of nine plus thirty
Bikinis rush the hot tub, cocktails arrive in a hurry

Stressful all-nighters and midterm nail biters
Textbooks and classrooms fuel intellectual fires
Knowledge is sexy, so read, write, and pun
With cognition comes wisdom, don't miss out on the fun

Borders and boundaries, lines drawn to be crossed
On pavement, waves, and wings - find the way and get lost
Dangerous and wild though this world may seem
Permit this reality - turn it into your dream

To all my friends, foreign and domestic
Today is the day we give thanks to the majestic
From mountaintops to four-way stops...
From coastline to skyline...
Cutting the blue with cloud scrapers
Forget all the headlines that flood all the papers

Hit a note with J. Andrews and the children von Trapp
Keep singing and dancing and never look back
Today is for you and the things that you love
Start with the universe or the Man up above

To brothers and sisters, born from both blood and from bond
Our embraces and squabbles account for the past
To girlfriends and boyfriends, brunette, red, and blonde
Our courtships that last, or those that shatter as glass

To mothers and fathers, who deal with dirty diapers
And watched us mature - wipe away tears with cheek wipers
To teachers and preachers, try and show us the way
This life is yours, feel free to stray

Eighty-eight to eleven, twenty-three cycles of heaven
Evermore until the end, which we meet as a friend

It's just a shot, it's just tequila, with some salt and a lime
Perhaps you prefer a lager or a glass red with wine
Raise your cup in the air for the sullen and fair
The world is yours, so give thanks, and have some fun out there

November 15, 2011

Wanted: Swedish Mafiosos and Armin van Buuren. Crime: Destroying Ushuaia, Going Live in Space


The Grand Finale.

Day three started just like any other – sweating profusely after few hours of sleep, ears ringing, head hurting, stomach empty… and completely stoked.

First things first, let’s get in the ocean.  We gather the troops and assume our position next to the lifeguard stand.  No drinks will be had this morning - we have a pool party to prepare for.  Tyler and I also need to figure out how the hell we are going to get off this magical, flamboyant, tremendous island.  A ferry from Ibiza to Barcelona takes approximately seven hours – what better way to rest than on a slow moving barge.  Balearia (the ferry company – named after the Balearic Islands) only has first class tickets available for tomorrow’s departure.  First class it is.  Tomorrow at 1300 hours we will turn our back on:

  • Heat.  Relentless, vigorous heat emanating, in a fashion I have infrequently experienced, from that ruthless ball of gas at the center of our solar system.  Please do not consider this description as an antagonistic, derogatory attitude towards our sun.  I love our sun.  I’ve been known to praise the laws of thermodynamics, motion, electromagnetism, gravitation, astrophysics, and luck – for, so kindly, situating our beloved planet Earth in this exact position relative to the sun.  We are so lucky to live on a planet with water (flashback: SpringBreakOhEight, Cabo) and fire.  Despite my unconditional, perverse appreciation for the laws of nature that spawned the sun, our planet, and the life maintained by both, it was really fucking hot on that spit of land for our entire stay.  The heat will not be missed.
  • Beaches.  Yes, there are plenty of beaches to visit over the next two months, including our next stop.  However, a unique atmosphere dominates Ibiza beaches – one cannot escape the conflicting auras of tranquility and excitement, calm and passion.  Never has it felt so natural to go crazy.  Ibiza, for our purposes (sorry historical Ibiza, I will check you out next time), was defined by melding music with people to create joy.  That effort was successful, and it felt so right, no matter the bonkers behavior that complemented such endeavors.  The beaches of Ibiza captured this balance of serenity and irrationality that embodied our experience there.
  • Food.  Again, more food will be ingested.  The meal at Pio Lindo will go down as one of the best of the trip, regardless.  Lengua de bistec and half chickens with french fries ALL DAY.
  • Blurry Nights.  Let’s be real, probably not the end of these either.
  • Friends.  “Turning our back” on these friends is not the proper term.  As I sit here in Aspen, Colorado on November 15, almost three months after leaving Ibiza, I am happy to report that the people we spent time with on the island were ultimately much more than single serving friends.  Not only did we rendezvous with a number of them in other European destinations, but we will be eternally connected through the cyber world and the almighty Facebook (where we share comments, likes, wall-posts, and messages).
  • Brain Rattling Beats.  We have a knack for finding loud electronic music basically anywhere we go.  It’s a gift and a curse.  Mostly a gift, because these concerts are awesome.  The shows we saw in Ibiza will, from this day on, quickly be brought up in the frequent discussion of “best live concerts you’ve seen.”  Anticipation of these experiences, coupled with their inability to disappoint launches the illustrious reputation of Ibiza concerts to an even higher magnitude than initially anticipated.

Before we set sail for Barcelona, however, we have TWO more shows to attend.  The Swedish House Mafia plays at Ushuaia, a fancy, new hotel right before Armin van Buuren (“Ze Greatest DJ in Ze Vorld”) takes the stage at Space.  This could be a good day.

5:00 signals game time and the commencement of possibly the greatest live music performance I have ever witnessed.  Though exaggeration for the sake of description is acceptable, I dislike the use of hyperbole.  This must be clarified at this moment because my previous statement – the one about “greatest performance ever” – conveys my legitimate feelings on the situation.

We proceed with the pre-game tradition on the new party balcony outside of the ladies’ room.  Jim Beam and Absolut flow as snails, tidal waves, scuba dives, and other high-five fake-outs incite boisterous laughter.  Tie in a solid buzz and mix some Fanta-vodkas to go.  Clad in bikinis, boardshorts, sandals, and cutoffs, things already look promising.  Six people deep necessitates two cabs so I hop in with the girls and meet Tyler, Reign, and Jonathon at the entrance.  Reunited at the party, we swagger to the security check with Alex Metric spinning wax in the background.  The energy can be felt even outside the white stucco walls and thick wooden doors separating us from the raucous crowd inside.

Minor setback:  Security does not like my Peruvian soccer jersey.  “No deportes,” says the beefhead security guard, “no puedes llevar esta camisa.”  This makes sense – sports gangs are intense in Spain.  The solution was right around the corner.  For 8.95€ I purchase a black shirt with:

I Y
IBIZA

Time to rage.  Two steps inside the Ushuaia gates and I knew this was going to be special.  There are hundreds of people surrounding the gigantic pool, facing a massive stage, dancing their faces off to the undeniable skills of Alex Metric.  Paths of stones dash across the water surface like lily pads; they boast professional dancers don their unmistakable attire and lead the attendants in the art of motion.  Palm trees provide shade and wading pools cool water to all the beautiful bodies dancing wildly.  For some reason, drinks are way cheaper here than other clubs, so guess what, we order a few.  Waiting to order, I hear the familiar sound of jet engines – only it’s louder than usual.  Eyes to the sky to find the source – it is difficult to miss.  A commercial airliner, a big one, comes screaming over the crowd at the tail end of its final descent, clearing the top of the stage by (maybe) 600 feet.  The crowd loves it.  Ushuaia is four kilometers from the Ibiza airport.  I don’t know if this was designed on purpose but a couple dozen jumbo and private jets flying directly above the stage added some serious points to the showmanship and aesthetics of the performance.  It was an incredible sight.

Our group finds a perfect, spacious dance location right next to the pool with a great view of the stage (and planes).  Just as we get settled I hear, once again, a familiar Swedish voice; unlike at Pacha, however, three men grace the stage this evening.

“Ushuaia… (crowd goes crazy) Ibiza… (more people go crazy) Make some fucking NOISE (everyone goes crazy).  My name is Steve Angello, this is Axwell, and Sebastian Ingrosso.  We are the Swedish House Mafia.  Are you ready to party?”

Yes, Steve, yes I am.

The next three hours were indescribable.  The Swedes lived up to their reputation – crisp production, technical precision, crowd control, jaw-dropping pyrotechnics, unparalleled stage presence, and a fundamental love for dance music confirmed these men as the most professional trio in the business.  At one point, they mixed Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep” vocals with the classic “Sweet Dreams” beat to an encouraging result; as they dropped the main line in this banger remix, their trademark fireworks flung sparks into the sky just as an easyJet flight came in for landing directly overhead.  The FAA would have thrown a shitfit if these antics were attempted in the United States.  I wondered if the passengers in the planes could see us, I hoped they could.  What a memorable welcome into Ibiza.  I will never forget Ushuaia, the Swedes, the fireworks, the planes, the pool.  An inherent smile plasters my face every time I recount the experience.

At 11:40 pm we catch a cab back to Giramundo – the night has just begun.  We have to see Armin van Buuren.  Live.  At Space.  In Ibiza.  I have to convince myself that this is real life.

The hostel is bumpin when we arrive.  All rooms on both floors apparently took to the halls to party as one – it looked like Braun Hall the first week of college, except way more intense and a little more legal.  People are pouring mix drinks, taking shots of absinthe, slamming beers, and dabbling in other goodies as we walk in the door.  We find familiar friends and meet new ones, and eventually have to stop talking about what just occurred at Ushuaia because everyone was so jealous.  Bite to eat, couple more drinks, new clothes, and we are ready for liftoff to Space.  We arrived at the cabstand with eighteen people from our hostel.  EIGHTEEN!  That’s the majority of the available beds in the hostel.  That’s also how we ran things at Giramundo.

Space is smaller than I imagined.  Once inside, one can go to the lounge/bar/restroom area on the left or the main stage on the right.  Our timing was impeccable; caught the last few tracks of Gareth Emery’s set (should have seen it all, but fear not – the Ministry of Sound in London hosted Mr. Emery on our second to last night in Europe) before the screen on stage read, straight up, “Armin van Buuren.”  Immediately I yell, “ZE BEST DJ IN ZE VORLD” as he took the stage (fans have actually voted van Buuren DJMag’s Number One DJ in the world for the past four years).  Once again, the hype is met with incredible performance.  The dance floor was compact but everyone was wary of other’s personal space.  The lights and music were synced wonderfully.  Savoy lasers were utilized to their full extent; unlike in America, where groups using said lasers do not shoot them on the audience.  In Space, safety comes second to sick light shows, eyesight is at risk – just don’t look straight at them.  With an older crowd, which I assumed consisted of long-time van Buuren followers was hooked and involved without being overly active.  This was perfect for my last showon the island and allowed me to take in the whole experience, with a beautiful girl and close friends, instead of dancing like a madman with minimal regard to those in the vicinity.  Mr. van Buuren has the best job in the world, and he knows it.  He jumped around and fist-pumped more on stage than half the people in the crowd – entertaining antics behind the 1s and 2s.

We left Space completely exhausted but happy.  Back at the hostel we all reconvened in our room and chatted over McDonalds (clutch move, Reign).  Around five in the morning everyone dispersed and I welcomed sleep knowing it would be my last time (hopefully) I would sweat through the night.  A few hours later it was time to check out and catch the boat to Barcelona.  I bid adieu to our new, worthy, amazing friends and ventured on to the next adventure.

A heartfelt thank you to the friends that made Operation: Ibiza the legendary experience I so wished it would be.

I Y IBIZA – more than just a t-shirt. 

November 2, 2011

Comedy at the Expense of Others


Not fifteen minutes after our train arrived in Paris from Chamonix–Mont Blanc, we boarded the underground metro en route to Le Montclair Hostel. The train was crowded prior to our embarkation and even more so after ten people filed in before Tyler and me. Our transition from the waiting platform to the bus itself went smoothly, but those behind us were not so lucky. Comfortably situated in my position, I watched several other citizens cram their way onto the train before the comedy began. Imagine the scene in The Lord of the Rings when Gandalf faces off against the Belrog and yells “YOU. SHALL NOT. PAASSSS!” In this case, the people of Paris were the Belrog and the metro car doors were Gandalf.
One chap managed to entrain only to be stopped in his tracks when the sliding doors closed on his backpack. People getting clothing and other objects caught in subway doors has been a longstanding joke on television and in movies but this was real life, and I was stoked about it. A look of panic fell across his face as he struggled to free his bag from the train’s grasp. Once he yanked his backpack free and the doors reopened, another group pounced on the opportunity to flood the already imbued train. This time, the threshold closed even more violently, trapping two women face-to-face. An audible, “OO!” and subsequent struggles of these women (the subjects) and curses provoked a loud, involuntary chuckle from me (the spectator). I watched helplessly, as they reached over each other’s shoulders and forced the doors open once again. As I stood bewildered as to why these people refused to wait the entire two minutes and ten seconds for the next train, another mess of Frenchmen, this time three people abreast, tried to charge the open gates only to get crushed by the dismissive portal. It was chaos, and it was hilarious.
Laughing fit is an understatement. This was one of those situations where, even if you try your hardest not to laugh, you remember the calamity and cannot maintain composure. My attempts to conceal my amusement were honest, but I fear they were ultimately futile. Whether the subjects of said folly knew I was laughing at them, I am unsure; other onlookers were surely entertained, making the situation that much funnier. Surely (hopefully), even some of the victims could see the humor. If the entire metro car had celebrated the undeniable folly of a few (including the subjects themselves), this event would have had an immense impact on the positive energy throughout all of Paris. Seeing as I may have been the only one laughing out loud, I kept my delight to myself as best I could.
The next day, we visited the Eiffel Tower and, once again, found ourselves laughing at the expense of complete strangers. There is an ancient art form I have seen practiced and heard about in friendly conversation. It is self-serving but harmless to others; meddling but not truly invasive in other people’s business; wholly entertaining with minimal risk of detrimental consequences. This art is known as, “Taking Pictures of People Taking Pictures,” and it is hilarious. Many friends have dabbled in this practice but I was a stranger to it before this Eiffel Tower shoot. The tower is situated to the northwest of a large park, the Champs de Mars. Imagine the typical tourist picture with the Eiffel Tower in the background; there is an 85% chance that was taken from the Champs de Mars. The field is flooded with people posing, jumping in the air, and pretending to hold the tower in the palm of their hand – searching for that one great photo of them in Paris. On the other side of the lends, photographers contort their body into unnatural positions, lie on their stomach, and just look goofy in general trying to capture that moment. Either of these subjects, when photographed from a spectator’s point of view, offer fine entertainment. For some reason, observing other people involved in a photo shoot is funny. People’s behavior is funny, in general, but accentuated when the lens is on them.

Right now, as I reflect on these instances of comedic fortune, I am sitting in the last row of pews in Notre Dame de Paris. One of the most significant buildings in Paris, its construction began in 1160 under Maurice de Sully and was completed in 1345 after various remodels and add-ons. Notable historical events associated with Notre Dame include: Heraclius of Caesarea called for the Third Crusade (1185); the Wolves of Paris, a man-eating wolf pack in the winter of 1450 was killed after being lured into the city by the furious Parisian public (1450); the coronation of Napoleon Bonaparte – he is a pretty big deal in France (1804); Victor Hugo published The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1831); Joan of Arc was beatified and canonized (1909 and 1920, respectively); The Te Deum Mass, a celebration of the liberation of Paris may or may not have been interrupted by sniper fire (August 26, 1944); Andrew Leede wrote Comedy at the Expense of Others (2011).
Sitting in this holy place, one of the most important historical buildings in all of Europe, I write about laughing at the folly of others. While I consider myself wholly non-religious, my agnostic tendencies fabricate a sense of curiosity and possibility that are exemplified when around religiously spiritual people or in places of worship. Naturally, while reminiscing of metro doors slamming on citizens and taking pictures of people taking pictures, I cannot decide if this situation is:
A)   Fitting (confessing my guilty pleasures in a house of God)
B)    Satirically ironic (does Jesus get a kick out of human folly Himself?)
C)    Mildly inappropriate
D)   All of the above

This notion conjures another, bigger question: When is comedy at the expense of a stranger ever appropriate or inappropriate? What factors determine said propriety? To me, it comes down to the subject – the person being laughed at because of their folly. There are two situations the subject could be in; they are either privy to the fact that they are being laughed at, or they are completely unaware. I put forth the idea that if the subject suspects they are being laughed at, they fall into the “aware” category.
Let us dissect this, starting with the unaware subject. This is a complicated scenario for many reasons. Should one’s actions be significant outside of their own personal realm? That is, should one person’s behavior affect those not directly associated with said individual or should “mind your own business” be the way of it? Given that we are all part of the same reality and one’s conduct can influence those of another through direct contact, sensation, observation, or even story-telling, I argue that yes, an individual’s actions are significant to all others exposed to them.
Back to the unaware subject – is it okay to laugh at them if they don’t know or assume you are? My first reaction is yes. If they are neutral in the situation, they contribute zero (0) points to the energy of the universe. Whereas the spectator, who finds joy through the form of laughter, contributes at least one (1) point to the positive energy of the universe. If the subject is unaffected and the spectator amused, would that not seem an appropriate opportunity to laugh? Embrace the situation for what it is, a simple folly by one is a significant positive event in the reality of another. No harm, no foul, right?
The only case in which a situation incites negativity is if the subject of folly becomes embarrassed, guilty, ashamed, angry, sad, or distressed in any way because of said folly. This could occur regardless of whether the subject is aware or unaware they are being laughed at. In the case of the unaware subject, if they become distressed, they are likely feeling one single emotion (i.e. embarrassment, anger, sadness) due to their personal folly. This would naturally contribute one (1) point of negative energy to the universe. The spectator, however, still retains the amusement and thus the one (1) point of positivism. Technically, this becomes a neutral situation (1-1=0), leaving the spectator with their personal moral compass to determine whether it is appropriate to laugh. One could also argue that a distressed subject could inspire sympathy on part of the spectator. If sympathy contributes one (1) point of positive energy, the scales tip towards “appropriate.”  Sympathetic laughter is two (2) points. On the same token, if the spectator is just plain mean and finds further joy in the distress of the subject, then that surely contributes at least one (1) point to the negative energy of the universe. Laughing at another’s folly is not the same as laughing at another’s misfortune or torment. For the purpose of this exercise, let us maintain my personal blind faith in humanity and categorize this situation as “unlikely.” So as it stands, if the subject of folly is oblivious to the fact they are being laughed at, the situation is either neutral or a positive contributor to the energy of the universe, thus making laughter appropriate.
Then comes the subject who is privy to being the subject.  It is much easier to deem laughter in this situation as proper or improper – propriety relies solely on the attitude of the subject. If, after the folly occurs, the subject becomes distressed, one (1) automatic negative energy point is awarded. Upon realizing that they are the topic of another person’s laughter, further distress will likely ensue, increasing the possible amount of negative points generated by the situation. Example: folly occurs, subject becomes sad (-1), subject sees they are being laughed at and becomes angry and embarrassed (-1-1-1 = -3), the spectator is amused (-3+1 = -2), perhaps the subject sympathizes with the subject (-2+1 = -1) or finds joy from misfortune (-2-1 = -3).  Regardless, the best possible scenario would be a neutral situation (1-1 = 0).  In which case, one must side with the distressed subject as it was their personal folly that instigated the situation in the first place; their allocation of universal energy points holds sway over those of the uninvolved bystanders.
Finally, we have the best situation of them all: the celebration of folly. When the subject, the only possible contributor of negative energy (given the assumption that humanity, in general, is not mean), receives joy from his or her own folly, the possible positivism is limitless. When the subject is amused by their own folly, two (2) positive energy points are awarded; one for inciting laughter, another for the humility required to laugh at oneself. Add in the one (1) point for spectator laughter and we are already at three (3) points of positive energy. Then things get interesting.  Since the subject is aware the spectator is laughing at them, and they are laughing at themselves, the two are laughing at the situation together, automatically squaring (32 = 9) the points of positivism, because we all know laughing with someone is exponentially better than laughing alone. Add another spectator (“onlooker”) and this one (1) point of amusement is added to the total of the original situation (3+1 = 4).  Since they are likely laughing together, this total is squared (42 = 16). Do we see a trend here? How far can this actually go? Imagine the subject makes an effort to exhibit their folly. This would require laugher (+1), humility (+1), and now pride (+1) when considering their action, bringing the most fundamental point total of that action to three (3) in favor of positivism. Add a single spectator, including their one (1) point of laughter, and that total is squared. The more spectators and onlookers that contribute positive energy to the situation, the higher the point total will be.  Theoretically, one single act of folly, when embraced by the subject and present to others could create thousands of positive energy points for the universe. This is why we should all celebrate folly. This is also why America’s Funniest Home Videos (AFV) is the most positive show on television. Individuals embracing personal folly and making it available to thousands of others to laugh at their expense is the greatest celebration of folly in the modern world. To calculate the number of positive energy points fashioned during any given episode of AFV is a daunting task, I will not attempt to address it right now.

Moral of the story:  Laugh.  Laugh by yourself, at yourself; laugh with others, at others. Every time you do, that is one (1) point in favor of positivism and, as we just learned, it is easier to multiply that positivism than cancel it with negativity.

TRUE STORY SUPPLEMENT: As I sat in Notre Dame, scribbling down jargon about the mathematics behind comedy at the expense of others, something happened. A young boy was merrily skipping down the aisle of the cathedral, paying little attention to where he was going. His eyes were at his feet, over his shoulder, to the ceiling, everywhere but in front of him. I watched as this lad ran (at a brisk pace) face-first into the rope separating visitors from service attendees. My initial laugh was involuntary – the action itself was funny.  The boy was completely unfazed and I got a rise (0+1 = 1). My laughter faded as my eyes narrowed and I peered around Notre Dame, suspicious of who exactly was listening to my thoughts. Was witnessing this child’s folly at this exact moment a coincidence? Or was it a sign? If it was a coincidence, the timing could not have been better.  If it was a sign… then well played, God, well played.